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expectations

October 15, 2011 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
its going to be hard to let this one go. its not just a race, not just one time. its the end of my season, and it should not have been. not anywhere near when it should have ended. don't feed me the bullshit that i've got track, and two more years of cross to look forward to, i dont care about those things at all. not now. and why should i? its october. in 2011. i'm a waste of talent if i've ever seen it. i wish i could explain it. any explanation at all. injury, lack of sleep, something. but no, i have no idea why my season was so shitty. i cant even say that it was that i was low on iron or something, because if i was low on iron it should have affected me all season, not just during races. i did better than even i expected in workouts this year and just ran plain shitty in every race. what makes it worse is i know if i ran the way i did in workouts every saturday, i could have helped this team. it wasnt about me. i can live with the failure, but knowing i could have helped this team at some point, and i didnt is worse than anything i've ever felt. i cried yesterday, for the first time in probably five years. thats how much it meant to me. i sure hope it means the same to every person who gets to continue running this season. i'll stand by you even if its on the sidelines. going to take a few days off/easy i think. we'll see what coach says. thanks to chris and chris for sitting with me for a bit yesterday too.