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Thanks, XC

November 12, 2011 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
Get ready for a hummer of a log, ya'll. Some of it may be coherent, but I'm predicting most won't be. But you all are used to my incoherence by now =)

Anyways in terms of today, it was a jumble of emotion. I woke up feeling not too great, runny nose, head pounding, back hurting etc. But I felt like I couldn't let people know or acknowledge it myself, because I thought I had to do something incredible during my last race and not show any weakness and whatnot so other people wouldn't get down and so that I wouldn't get myself down. During the warmup, felt oblique, put tiger balm on and thought it would be ok. Went through the first mile in 750, and when I hit the gravel, thats when the first of many shots came to the oblique. It's like not being able to breathe because of something in and pushing and compressing your side constantly. I didn't stop during the race at all, but the last 2 miles were honestly dreadful. I could feel the race pulling away from, and as much as I wanted to go, I couldn't, or just didn't. But I still felt like I was giving everything, which kind of made me sadder. Spent at the end, oblique felt chewed up at the end, and I was really down about the whole situation (not to mention seeing the clock at the end). I felt like I'd failed, even though I should've had some perspective, but I just didn't.

I know I'm being hard on myself but thats just what I do (and what I suspect most people do as well). After the race, Molly told me that my running career isn't defined by this race, and that there's a hell of a lot more to the 4 seasons than having a perfect last race. Through out 4 seasons, I've gone up and down with desire to have better injury luck, to catch more leaves, to train more, to be faster, to be better, to be different etc. But I think what I've taken from the 4 seasons is that I need to appreciate myself for what I can do instead of what I can't and never will be able to do. Cross country was the absolute best decision I've made in my life and I'm so thankful for the team. No matter what kind of race or injury or workout I have, and as hard as I am on myself, it doesnt phase the team and theyre there to pick me back up to get back running. I also love seeing other poeple accomplish incredible feats as well. There's so much from this team that has formed in the past 4 years, and I never want to let those experiences or those people go.

I can't quite help my emotion spewing out in terms of the season ending, even though we have 2 more, and I'm going to admit to you running-loggers that I've cried multiple times this week with. It's not because I think I'll never run a 5k again or will never be with the team again this year. I think it's more because I love so deeply all that this team accomplishes and stands for, and how it's played an immense role in forming what I am, and I will sincerely miss that, and ending the season I guess really confirms that. I'll stop here. I love you all so much.