View Workout (Katherine Bronstein)
mad
February 7, 2012 (Afternoon)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
game vs. visitation (?)
played fine 1st half.
then i lost it.
i told my mom not to come, but she showed up in the middle of the game anyway. the nerves took over me and i felt the adrenaline rush thru me - the bad kind of adrenaline. and then...this other person...showed up the the stands. i try not took look up at the familiar faces expected in the crowd, but i did. and when i saw that person, i just got so mad. the memories just screamed thru my attempts of focus.
when i played in the second half, i was flustered. disoriented. i couldnt snap out of it. as the game neared the end, as the frustration of not getting my head back in the game builded, as i tried as hard as i possibly could to erase the memory that belonged with that person in the stands, I grew all the more angry. i kept my head down - it was all i could do to keep the rage from exploding. i just wanted to punch something, which was out of the cards. next best option: run. run away. just run. as hard and as far as possible. now that woulda been an escape. but i couldn't do that either. i turned my music on full blast. the rockiest music i had. but it just wasn't enough. i hate having to see...that person every single day. i just want the person to go away, disapear, vanish. or better yet, be given the opportunity to give it to that person. not an option. so as usual i just have to be mad. so mad. and i dont know how to move on. no matter how well i prepare for being reminded, it still slams me in the face with amazing force every time. the rage boils in me uncontrollably every time. and i dont no what to do, where to go, who to turn to, every time.
i forget it by morning. that is, until it slams me in the face again.