View Workout (Joe Uhan)
Yoga class, The Big Chat, 1st Anniversary, w/C
November 17, 2013 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
Hustled around in the afternooon: went to Jackalope to watch the Bears win in OT (after my run), then cleaned up and prepped a few things for my talk with Chelsea.
I texted her last night asking her to talk. She replied, "OK", this AM, so it was ON for post-class tonight, a light streching-based "Yoga for Athletes" class. Barely made it on time! It was a great class; not too "painful" in the stretches, and good breathing.
After class, I chatted with two different local runner/ultra guys while Chelsea cleaned up. We sat down on the inner steps of the studio - as we did 51 weeks ago. As I fumbled putting on my white Injinji socks, I began to speak my piece:
- That all of this - the first meeting, and tonight - is difficult for me, because it was so much easier to be angry.
- That the way she "owned" the grievances I brought up in Meeting #1, and then again when she struck such strong boundaries this week, she stripped from me a lot of my "she doesn't get it" bitterness/"chip on my shoulder".
- That the way she "owned" all the criticism and challenges I levied on her on Monday ("establish boundaries, fight for what you want, give all of yourself to one person"), really struck me hard.
- I told her about the "heaviness" I felt the next few days.
- I told her about Thursday night; retrieving The Letter and reading it. As I said this, I pulled out an envelope from my backpack. In it, was a copy of the last page of the letter I sent her ("I had to make a copy of it; it was awesome!). I showed it to her briefly, and explained my thoughts on reading it: wholly expecting to re-read it and serious question the legitimacy of those words/feelings. But...I did not.
- I told her, "I still mean it - every damn word".
- I spoke specifically about those final two points, and reiterated them: "I still love you", and, "I'll be there for you".
- I talked about unconditional love/frienship, and how rare and important that is; I spoke to that, but at the same time pointing out that relationships - actually BEING friends, or being together as partners, IS conditional.
At this point, she really took over. She talked quite a bit early on, at first responding to my comment about the first meeting, and talking about how she had no expectation, nor did she know HOW, a future friendship/relationship would ever work.
After that, she spoke about a lot of things, but the big themes were:
- That, despite the mistakes we both made, our relationship was extremely important to HER, because I was "one of the few people, ever, that I let in", and that "everyone else is either family, or people that I've known since I was twelve". And that, when things ended with us, that was very hard and painful. She cried a couple different times, speaking to this point.
- Since our relationship (and the troubles since, about which she didn't elaborate), she's made significant strides towards "recognizing and establishing boundaries with everyone". She joked that, "I'm sure if I told you, you'd say, 'I could've told you that a year ago'".
And the big one:
- That, at this point, where she's at, she does not see how she and I could be friends.
She says that our relationship was SO deep and intimate that she feels she could not re-establish that with me, and possibly maintain it, should she date someone else in the future.
I understood, yet this seemed to be one gigantic paradox!
I told her a couple stories:
1.) about me and my recent "ambiguous female hangouts", on how this has been an exercise in how to have meaningful interactions with people A.) without expectation, and B.) while establishing boundaries (my recent interaction with Sarah being an example - that I did not elaborate on).
2.) how I intend to start high school coaching again in '14, and how that's going to be a challenge to my own boundaries.
We talked more about this idea: of somehow having a friendship that would somehow be "OK" should either one of us date another person, when, as she put it, "You said that you love me, and that I have an attraction to you"
I then re-iterated: "There's a big difference between me loving you, and me wanting to be in a relationship with you". I added, "That's so far away in fantasyland, that I can't even think about it". I gave the analogy of a 100-mile race: that to think of US in a relationship is like thinking about a finish line, and we're only beginning this opening climb. She understood that, yet failed to give up the idea that she must "look ahead". (But the fact that she IS looking ahead, and looking out for possible conflict, is awesome).
I told her, should we be able to re-establish a friendship, that "I won't let us break boundaries; I won't let *myself* get hurt again". I explained that I take responsibility for smearing boundaries last fall - namely the dinner + butte hike as a prime example (though I also reiterated I did not know the full nature of her/Jeff's relationship). And that, "That will NOT happen again", because "When I do that, I want it to be with someone who's giving me their full heart".
I then went after a bi kill: I told her that, "When you find someone that's right for you, you give them your full heart, and when you do that, you don't feel compelled to be intimate with other people."
I continued: "I think that, sometime, a long time ago, you gave your heart to someone and you were hurt significantly, and ever since, you haven't given anyone your whole heart."
She agreed(!).
...She returned to us, to the notion of having the sort of friendship she thought we had, the one she WANTS, with me, but still wanting that friendship to survive, should she someday have a relationship with another man.
Finally, she asked me, "How is it possible for us to be friends?". What she was really asking was, "How can we be friends, to the incredible depth that we had, without it going too far, and once again having to lose it?"
I told her:
"I'll answer your questions with another question: 'If our connection is SO rare and special to you, how can we NOT try to be friends??"
She didn't have an answer (that I recall); she re-iterated "needing time" to work through "a lot of things". I told her that I had no expecations, and that every moment with her is "bonus time" that I never thought I'd have again.
I concluded by reviewing the key concepts:
- That it was important for me for her to know that, what happened a year ago: what I did, those words I wrote - still apply, and still mean something, and that she needs to know that there's an unconditionally to my feelings, regardless of whether or not we have any relationship.
- That what we had - even in its flaws - was a very special thing (especially to her, as I learned tonight)
- Finally, I gave her the envelope with the last page of my letter, copied. On the copy, I wrote, "I still mean it..." and had another drawing of "me", thinking about a "heart". :-P
After that...we wrapped up. It was funny: we talked - almost frantically - about random stuff (her: "You have NO idea how much I wanted to comment" re: my Clipse/JT post on Friday, since Clipse is "one of my favorite groups, since high school"; me: on my bro being a rap aficionado and writing excellent album reviews; loads of other stuff). It was like we were trying to cram it in before the silence re-commenced.
I walked her to her car (on my way to pizza!); we hugged something awesome (SIGH, another cheek hug), and then it was over.
*****
A few things are apparent to me:
- That she's made some incredible, legit gains in self-awareness, maturity and discipline in the past year, and that it may only be scratching the surface. Again, it's stuff that I "dreamed" she would realize (and bitterly, always "knew" she wouldn't), and now, it seems she truly is.
- That what we had, to her, was extraordinarily special. That she gave ME a part of her heart - maybe just a piece, or a corner - that she's *never given anyone else*. This is a fact that she reiterated several times (with emotion) tonight. And that she's scared to lose that, once again.
- That what she wants is a level of friendship so deep that, it really can't coincide with another relationship.
- But to me what this means: what she really wants (that she might be unable to recognize, or grasp) is to truly give her heart to me, but that she might not know how, or how to do so without any "safety valves" for her.
So that's where we're at.
I feel "pretty good" about it; I said my piece, she knows where I'm at. I'm a bit dismayed that, by letting her know my feelings, that I've "lost my hand" -- that in "the game" of attraction that I've once again left the ball [hopelessly] in her court. I did reiterate that she "has a lot to prove" for us to have a friendship, let alone a relationship, but my desire to work on friendship trumps hers...
Just how *powerful* our relationship was to her really stands out. And in the context of where she's at now - with actual boundaries forming - that has tremendous worth. And I think that when the dust settles, it's stuff like that that stands the test of time.
I'm interesting in hearing what BGD has to say about all this... B-)