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PRE + PRE's Rock + Hendricks "Aerobic HillZ"

November 20, 2013 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: cold! (40F), dry

Comments:
Cold, dry day today - sub-freezing this AM, but it was sunny in the AM - SO RARE up here in the winter!

Wanted to do something aggressive today, but I had an interview scheduled at 7 with Sarah Lavender-Smith (an O-town area ultrarunner/writer for Trail Runner - doing a piece on social media and running), so I didn't have a lot of travel time.

Did the usual run through PRE, but cut off the SPFD part and went straight to Hendricks. At first I was gonna do repeat uphills hard, but then I thought, "What's the point?". Yes, running hard uphill is good to know how to do, but when I'm STILL trying to get aerobically strong (and I wanna do a tempo tomorrow), what's more important? Maffetone talks about downhill repeats, so I figured that'd be an excellent Bandera-specific workout, since that course has a ton of small/medium technical downhills that I'll need to BURN. So after trail and error I came across this lamp-lit, gravel, ~250m/150' incline. Ran sort of slow down it, then decided to do repeats:

UP/DOWN:
1:42, 52
1:42, 49
1:44, 49
1:43, 46

It was FUN to run down! I felt like those dickheads on that volcano doing "windmill sprints" down it in Transvulcania. Anyway, both the ups and downs felt great: stride was really "on" for both and I didn't feel tired or beat up. There was precisely zero rest, I just split the watch as soon as I turned around. Good workout! Damn, I could do 20 of those.

Rest of the run was good; stride is REALLY coming around nicely. Got a little tired at the end, but otherwise good.

Thought about Chelsea a fair amount this morning. MY question to her in that letter I wrote was, "Is there something MORE there with you?". Some thoughts:

- WHY did she want to "exit interview" with me? Was it REALLY to simply say, "I didn't like how things ended", and ask, "Did you know you'd end our friendship?". Or is there something more? I mean, c'mon, she didn't say anything. What the real message was, "Our relationship was extremely important to me"...

- She's now mentioned FOUR different times that "There's an attraction" to me: when we met at Agate Alley, in the "no communication" text, in the follow-up email, and in our studio meeting. FOUR TIMES. FOUR!

- Could she be doing what I'm doing - going through that same process of trying to sort out her inner wants/needs: to actually BE WITH ME? Is she struggling with the guilt and commitment/consistency issues that I am (as they're clearly as bad for her, being the rejector, as me as the reject-ee)?

- I re-read her 11/11 e-mail: "a friendship with you is not healthy if I'm in a relationship with someone". At first, my insecurity read that to say, "Well...I want to be with someBODY ELSE, and so I can't be with you because it would sabotage that". But BGD's holistic interpretation might be more accurate: "I can't be JUST friends with you", and that this might not preclude an actual relationship.

- When I challenged and pushed her hard in that 11/11 email ("Your boundaries suck, get your shit together"), she responded by...GETTING HER SHIT TOGETHER. But even more, she did what she's done a couple times before:
1.) She's retreated to a "safe zone" ("... if I was with another person, whether it's Jeff or someone else.")
2.) She paid me heavy compliments ("I think you are incredible and...").

- That strong, special connection we made was extremely powerful, rare, and important to her. This she has mentioned a dozen times. And "my" withdrawal of that she interprets as a major heartbreak. It's as if I struck an old wound: perhaps there's an fraternal element here (as I know her dad was intermittently absent/let her down). Maybe what "I did", by blowing up our relationship, sent her back to that feeling? Of HER being rejected by ME?? Wow, that's a mind-job...but possible...

What all this means to me:

- She DOES like me.
- She IS interested in a relationship for me. For RealZ. And I don't think I'm delusional. I don't think...
- She is - and always has been - very fragile and sensitive (though receptive) to criticism and challenge. As such, I really must tread lightly, and challenge with soft introspection, but at the same time, "firm resolve".
- I need to acknowledge - and apologize for - the fact that I, indeed, broke her heart and shook her world when I "left". And I somehow must communicate that I will not ever do that to her, again.
- Circumstances are on my side. It's all on the table. There's no more denial. There's some pain and protection, but the walls are down: openness to her own heart is at an all-time high. So now it's all about that balanced message, laying out the challenge, and then?.....sticking to my ground and moving on...the same thing that I did a year ago; a move that was ultimately responsible for where we're at today.