View Workout (Joe Uhan)
C-Note!!
November 24, 2013 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
Slept in til about 8, but didn't sleep all that well. Oh well. Got up, and right away got a text from Chelsea, saying she "wrote something" for me. She wanted to "leave it under the mat at the studio"! Ha! We texted back and forth a few times and finally agreed she'd leave it in her mailbox at her house. The "mystery drop-off" is usually reserved for when you're surprising someone...but I can understand why she would't want to give it to me in person...especially if it was "a bad note".
I got pretty nervous, so I hurriedly ate breakfast then got my shit together for the run. I then remembered the Huevo needed an oil change, pre-Cali, so I went and did that right when they opened at 10...then went to pick up the letter.
It was in a nice, string-closing envelope. Ugh. But I let it sit there in the passenger seat as I drove the hour+ all the way to McKenzie. Then, I dressed and did the full run warm-up (stretch, drillZ routine). And only THEN did I read it. I wanted to be ready, so that if it was *really bad*, I could literally run off.
The letter was on small lined stationary, folded in thirds, which was much smaller than the envelope: perhaps symbolic of the nature of the message: guarded.
I have such a panicked habit of reading things, so I purposely used the envelope to shield the lines below, so that I was only reading one line at a time, digesting it all with care.
The summary, with some quotes (everything quoted as is by her, with my occasional emphasis with "(!!)"):
Hers was a "story" like mine, but mostly of the last month. And as such, it vacillated from "Oh this is good" to, "Oh, this is NOT good!". It gave my heart fits!
She wrote about my letter, that "brought tears of happiness, sadness, relief, fear and love"(!!). And how since October, she's "allowed the feeling of caring deeply about [me], loving [me], back in"(!!) And since then, with each interaction, "the warmth you used to flood my heart with returned".
HOLY SHIT!
"But..." Then the rollercoaster: big changes in her life, uncertainty...
But then more good, regarding Jefe:
"coming to terms with...what I wanted long-term and why we could never make it work, because what I want and need is something I will never(!!) get from that relationship"
She then wrote about taking time to figure out what she wanted, and to be sure her "current actions were in line with those intentions", steering clear of "instant gratification or selfish motives". This was her motivation behind the no communication decision.
Interestingly, she said that with that decision, "one of two things" would happen:
1.) we have a dysfunctional friendship that would "ultimately not be healthy" if either of us were in a relationship, or
2.) "we would develop our friendship to the point where we would be ready to become more to each other than friends"(!!)
She then said that she "sat down" and gave serious thought to us being together, where she wrote,
"I came to this realization: I am not yet ready to see what will happen with us".
I about lost it here. But then I re-read it. And I *think* what she meant was, she was writing in "present tense", but of a past situation. So *at that time" (two weeks ago), she wasn't ready.
I continued reading, where she explained her feelings at that time (thus, past tense, *WHEW!*), including fear. She also confirmed to me that, I was "correct, no other man, especially(!!) my romantic partners, has been allowed there...just [me]"(!!)
WOW.
OK, so it seemed back on track, but I still wasn't sure.
Then she wrote, "there was a bigger reason for my hesitation, a feeling I have never experienced before: ...I felt an overwhelming sense of importance to be fully ready and capable to care for your heart(!!) if you were ever able to get past the hurt and offer it to me".
WOWWWW!
Then:
"***you deserve the absolute very best version of me. You are too good for anything other that that. If I'm doing this, it has to be done right; it is WAY too important and special to mess up..."
HOLY CRAP!
And
"...what we have to offer to each other must be fiercely guarded and cared for."
Boundaries! Damn, girl!
By now, I'm floored.
She went back to the personal growth elements she's been working on, and that, at this point (now present-tense), she's ready to open communication fully.
And, then:
"I love the idea(!!) of moving forward in our friendship with the intention of it being more when we are ready"(!!)
HOLY SHIT! This got my eyes cloudy. And it did again, just now.
She wrote extensively about how "not safe" it is, and the inherent risk, and how that's going to be a part of it, and there's no way around that, other than being patient and acting with care.
The plan:
"...I would love to spend some time together in the very near future. Take that one step at a time, dip our toes in the water. But all the while understanding that we want to try for more when the time is right; that a friendship (only) is a temporary (and we will need to decide together *how* temporary) stop off in the journey toward a greater intention of devotion, love and partnership(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)"
HOLY SHIT!!!
In closing:
"I can promise that fierce protection of your heart and feelings throughout this process, no matter how it unfolds. And for the record, I trust you will do the same for me, I really do believe that".
WOW.
HOLY CRAP.
FLOORED.
I was so floored that it was all I could do but to close up my car and put one foot in front of the other.
This response surpassed my greatest imagination of what she could possibly say. It speaks volumes to to things:
1.) the growth and changes (at least in values) she's made in the past year, and her commitment (that she's demonstrated this past month) to those new values, and,
2.) the true nature of her feelings for me. HOLY SHIT, dude!
I think she loves me, what do you think? B-)
Post-script: Post-run, we set up a hang-out for tomorrow night. As I told her, "I just want to have a 'normal' talk", because I miss my friend. B-)