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(Skinner add-on) + PRE/SPFD - PRE's rock - campus

December 4, 2013 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 35?

Comments:
Pretty good day at work...got an allergy injection again, so I felt a little sluggish/hard to breathe, but otherwise a good, easy run. Interestingly: the MEDIAL calves (L>>R) were super sore, to the point where I had to stop halfway to work 'em out a bit. I *think* this is an OK thing: because when I'm symmetrical with the pelvis AND open the pelvis/hips well, my stride is wider and my medial calves get worked much more.

Thought about doing some speedwork on this run (tempo or intervals), but I was clearly too beat up, still, from Saturday, so I kept it easy.

Wore the new PI road N2s. GREAT shoe.

*****

Another odd "spiritual coincidence" tonight:

I was thinking a lot about Chelsea (duh) and my Mission, to protect her heart. For some reason, one of my strongest "images" of her is this picture her mom posted on FB sometime in the past year. It's of her, and she can't be more than 8 or 10 years old: little, cute, awkward, innocent, fragile, vulnerable. When I look at her now -- the insane beauty and strength, I still see that little girl underneath. When you only see that outer shell, it's easy to forget that fragility and vulnerability that we all carry.

I thought about myself, and how, at times, I still see myself as a little 8 year old boy, palling around with my dad. But then I thought about where MY deepest fears and vulnerabilites - and rejection - came from:

When I was very little - my earliest memories - were of spending time with my dad in the woods. We'd go up to the cabin we had (an hour north of our house in Northern MN) and ride around in the woods on three-wheelers, build stuff, and otherwise have an awesome time. BUT, when night time came - and especially if his friends were there with us - he'd start drinking. And when he did, he became a different person. Never, ever, ever violent or threatening or anything like that: if anything, he was more "loving". But...he was different.

And, in retrospect, it scared the hell out of me. Because it was just me, this little kid, and all these drunk guys.

That was my earliest experience of truly feeling alone and vulnerable. So when I think of that image of me - and that little girl image of Chelsea - I remember those times.

Finished up the run, ate, cleaned up. I wanted to get some writing done, but the new (awesome) nightly tradition is to call Chels after 8, when her kiddos are in bed, and she's about to be.

We chatted about our days, and I asked her about the Drake show in PDX that she went to, Tuesday night. She'd texted earlier saying that she "had her friends drop her off at home early". I chuckled a bit at that, to myself, at first, since she's a bit of a homebody at times.

It's easy to be "surface" with a lot of interactions unless you ask a lot of questions (a valuable lesson that BGD taught me), so I asked questions, and listened.

As it turned out, several of the women who went to the show with Chels, afterwards when they went out to bars, started using cocaine!

KIDDING ME.

This made her really uncomfortable and, as a result, wound up going back to the house in PDX, alone!

My immediate reaction (mostly to myself) was anger, then fear and concern, with the thought of her being in that situation with all these other people doing serious narcotics. Fuck! It hit me close, obviously because I love the shit out of her and never want her in danger, but because of knowing very well what that feeling is like - being "alone" and vulnerable among compromised, untrustworthy, unpredictable people.

Gosh, this sucks. We talked a lot about it, and how prevalent this drug use is amongst several of those women (and the juxtaposition of be so "high-functioning" in The World, yet being OK with doing coke on a Tuesday night and staying out 'til 7AM - who does this shit? Why?). I really didn't know why, and asked her.

It was a good conversation, and she said it reinforced her priorities in life (e.g. ...not...that). Really wished I could've squeezed her tight at that moment, but I'm just glad she's OK. This might be over-dramatic, but...that's an old, childhood wound for me.

But isn't that strange that I would have such a random thought at the very same time she was dealing with the same issue? More spiritual power, I think.