View Workout (Joe Uhan)
@ Chels' house
December 10, 2013 (Night)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
Got to her house at 630. We had a drink and talked while she got dinner ready. And talked. And talked!
I've learned a TON of incredible lessons from BGD in the past year+, so it's really been my mission to be a better listener: lots of listening, lots of question asking.
Coming into tonight, I had a story lined up: my "Alicia" story from 1996-97: of falling for her when she had a boyfriend, of her finally choosing me, only to cave to her old BF over Christmas break, then me becoming super-bitter about it. It was her that I wrote a letter to saying, "I'll support you and always be there", only to re-neg on that when I found out she had back-slid. Then, I didn't talk to her for six months...even though, deep down, I still loved her. Then, when we *finally* reconciled, I couldn't bury that bitterness and let it go. It ultimately destroyed our friendship.
SO many applications to me and Chels:
- of me feeling so strongly to TELL HER I still loved her and would be there (a month ago)
- of me (with BGD's help) realizing that I can't be "just friends": that I couldn't maintain my protective shell and love her at the same time
But more recently, another fear:
- of me leaving after Christmas, then somehow losing her, as I did with Alicia.
So I was prepped to tell her this story, when she told me one of her own:
She was telling me about HER good friend Chelsea(2), who's dealing with a myriad of issues I could best describe as "wound-filling". But a side story was one about how there was a conflict with a guy that MY Chelsea had a relationship with in high school.
I asked her more about this story. So she told me:
I high school, she "was always dating someone", yet she had this "best friend" named John. Even though she had BFs, she spent a lot of quality time and shared important experiences with him (including going to prom "as friends"). Finally, when she broke up with one of her BFs, she began dating him during her junior year, and his senior year. They continued to see each other as he graduated, but it ultimately fell apart when he went to college in Colorado.
Shortly after that, she met her eventually (d-bag) husband Curtis. John was never happy with that, and that "triangle" caused a lot of conflict: for John and Chels' long-standing friendship, as well as a threat perceived by Curtis. Because of that, their friendship yet again took a hit, and they drifted apart.
John moved back to Oregon in ~2010, about the time that Chels and Curtis separated. This was the beginning of Chels' "mid-life crisis" (e.g. no boundaries, pleasure-seeking/gratifying, etc). She and John reconnected: spending time (and intimacy) together. Chelsea knew this was wrong because she was still dealing with her crumbling marriage. She told John this (that she had to step away and deal with it), but he wasn't happy - yet AGAIN being passed up for "another man", despite the reality of the situation.
Ultimately, John chose to date one of Chelsea's other HS friends. This caused a lot of tension in the whole friend group, even extending into Chelsea 2's family! (I surmise John did that simply to punish Chelsea, but no matter...)
All that aside: as I sat there listening, I couldn't help but think:
"Holy shit. This is where it began for her!"
After dinner, we sat down on the couch, and I told her my story, and the three-fold points:
- me telling Alicia I'd be there, then not following through (and why I HAD to do that with Chels)
- me being incapable of tossing aside my "shell" and facing my true feelings (and how I had to do that with Chels to fully love her)
- me leaving, and my fears about what could happen between us (though irrational)
And finally:
- the parallels of our stories.
Sitting there, holding her, I told her how I believe that a Power (God? Internal psyche?) presents us with situations repetitively until we get it right. And how BOTH our stories were learning experience for THIS ONE.
I reiterated to her about how I will NEVER let that happen again: me loving someone and NOT doing everything in my power to let them know, and to follow the needs and desires of my heart. That is the lesson I learned, and how I will not let my own insecurities or wounds prevent me from loving her.
Lastly, I told her how GLAD I am of what we went through: that I wasn't ready to love her a year ago - I didn't deserve her - and that as a result of that challenge, there is next to nothing I won't do to fight for her.
We laid there together, holding one another. It was a powerful moment. I told her a loved her (duh), and she told me that's never loved another person like she does, me. But she also said that when she looks at me, she cannot help but think about the pain she caused me. We both agreed that without that pain, we would not have survived, and, perhaps, that pain may be a reminder of the commitment to each other.
Damn, great stuff. How is this possible, to have these sorts of coincidental discussions? Why would she tell me that story, something that SO closely parallels what I feel, what I'm going through, and what I was going to share?
Call it what you want: power, magic, spirit. There's something intensely powerful and special coursing within us, between us, around us. DAMN.
*****
Earlier in the day, I was joking with her about "second base". I told her this morning, "we're definitely getting to second base tonight"...then joked that I would "let her touch my chest". THEN, later in the day, I told her about how I accidentally touched a woman's [side]boob while mobilizing her ribs! We laughed at this, then as we were kissing, Chels said, "Well you can't touch mine tonight, since you touched hers!"
UGHZZZ!
That's fine. It is OK, for sure. But man, there's SO much passion there. Finally, it's like 10PM. Normally, we talk each night before Chels goes to bed, and normally she's "in bed" when we're on the phone.
So I tell her, "OK it's bedtime, but I want to tuck you in before I go! So go change into your PJs..."
Chels: "...I don't wear PJs."
OH. SHIT.
OK, so we agreed that I would tuck her in when she was already under the covers. So she got ready for bed as I sat in the living room, and she called me in.
Her bed is fucking incredible: super-soft king-size bed, awesome comforter. She laid there and I crawled onto the bed, on top of the covers. We spooned a bit. I was SO TIRED, but it felt SOO GOOD. I almost fell asleep, and so did she.
I was about to leave, so she rolled onto her back, and I got on top of her. Uh-oh. We started kissing.
Shit.
Fuck!
SONOFABITCH.
It. Got. IN-TENSE.
Though the covers were over her, my hand was behind her back (damn, she's so toned, it's incredible). The covers were creeping lower and lower...but I kept tucking them back up!
We kept at that for...A LONG TIME. MOTHERFUCK.
It was one of the hardest things for me - for HER as well - for me to then kiss her one final time and leave.
"You're just gonna LEAVE me like this?", she asked, incredulously
UGHZZZ!
But I did. Just before 11, I locked the door behind me and got in my truck and drove off. Yelled a LOT of F-bombs - joyful, but "frustrated" - on the drive home.
Damn, what an intense night! Yes, it got crazy physical, but there was so much depth and quality to what we shared, yet again!