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The Usual: PRE/SPFD/Pre's Rock/Campus

December 11, 2013 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 28, slick snow

Comments:
Didn't get a ton of good sleep tonight, so I was fairly sluggish during the day. BUT, I had a light AM at work, so that was nice.

Ran right after work; got out the door before 5PM, which was nice. It's BARELY getting warm - it got to maybe 33F - just enough to soften the snow, but not aggressively melt it. I thought this run would be a sloppy mess, but most of the snow - including that on the paved bike/run paths - was still firm...except for the run UP Birch St to PRE's rock: 3" of dirty, soft snow. BRUTAL. Otherwise, had a nice, relaxed run.

Worked on deep breathing - truly inhaling through my nose. I have a bad habit of *only* mouth breathing, so I worked on that intermittently.

The plan was to finally watch "Love Actually" tonight, but there were more talks:

Chels texted me today saying that he's having a "closure talk" with EL JEFE on Friday.

Dun-dun-DUNNN!

Ruh-REALLY Bro? It's like that part in the action movie where you plug the bad guy with about a dozen bullets, he's down, yet he somehow staggers to his feet for one last charge. Stupid.

I get it, though. She's the kind of person where it IS important to mindfully end things and do so clearly and cleanly. However, I'm not sure that's always possible.

I got to her place at 7:15 and we talked about it. From what she said, she VERY CLEARLY let him know that there would be zero talk about reconciliation or getting back together, or talk about her personal life. Despite clearing spelling that out, he, apparently, still pushed the issue on the phone, in advance of this Friday get-together. Ugh.

She noted that there were a few "big issues" that she wanted to discuss with him, but did not elaborate.

I have a bad feeling about this. Even worse when she said, "If he found out I was seeing you, he'd FLIP. OUT." This guy is a loose cannon, and there's no telling where he's at.

I told her this: that he's totally unpredictable, and strongly discouraged her from meeting him anywhere BUT a public place. Even then, I don't like it...

...but I get it. This is what she needs to put it away 100%; it's almost as if SHE has these grievances that she wants to make sure he owns so that HE is better off down the road.

We were at the dinner table, me scarfing soup from last night while she talked. I finished, and I said, "OK, let's go watch this movie". As we headed toward the family room, she noted, "I've got one more story to tell you". We sat on the loveseat.

Collectively, we've had SO many of these superconscious, spiritual premonitions about one another. Here was another:

FIRST: on my run tonight, I began to think about last night, and us eventually having sex. I thought about the notion of getting her pregnant. As poorly timed and unplanned that would be? I would.....LOVE IT. Seriously. I just feel like I am, without a doubt, going to marry her and have a child with her. This might be incredibly premature and irrational, but I feel that in my heart of hearts, deep in my gut. Moreover, every time I see a baby, I have this deep desire to have one of my own. So if there was a "mistake", I would likely have a mini-freak out, but ultimately be ECSTATIC.

Back to Chels:

She had told me there were a couple big issues with her and Jeff. And I knew what one was. I just KNEW IT. I FELT IT.

He had gotten her pregnant. And deep down, I just KNEW IT. Even the night before, I could feel it from her. I hoped I was wrong...

But I was not.

She told me the story:

Fairly soon after we broke off, she'd had a couple contraceptive issues (ill-fitting IUDs), which forced her to switch to the birth control pill. For whatever reason, there was a lapse in coverage, and, per her estimate, she got pregnant on New Year's.

She tells me that while she and Jefe were in Mexico at the end of January, she felt some illness and malaise and she "knew [she] was pregnant". She went to Mexico for a week; Jefe for two, so when she came back, she did a home test. Positive.

As she put it, she had a "sinking feeling" in her gut, which was so different from her two previous children, including Jake, who was also unplanned. She felt - as she now says in retrospect - that having a baby, HIS baby, wasn't right. Still, the thought of any other than bearing that child was nearly inconceivable to her and her values (in children and families, in particular) and faith. After all, she wanted to be married, and she wanted to have more children.

She waited a couple days to tell Jeff. Finally, calling him in Mexico, she told him.

Can you guess his reaction?

It was all about him: how HE couldn't handle having a child right now, how HE couldn't possibly "go to Eugene" that much (obviously there was no mention of moving there), and how HE was too busy with work to have this child in his life.

Total selfishness. Epic.

There was no concern for Chels, or what she was feeling or going through. In fact, after the conversation? He STAYED in fucking Mexico for another four days before finally coming back!

His incredibly selfish reaction - completely devoid of any joy or bright-side thinking - was a tremendous blow to Chelsea, who was already reeling with the implication of trying to raise a third child while owning a business (while her Ex was still out of town and without custody). And now, the prospect of raising this child, HIS child, alone?

Chels sought counsel and support from her dad, but that was it. Otherwise, she was 100% alone. Jeff continued to be this toxic selfish combination of anger and aloof.

Finally, she came to the conclusion, on her own: she would terminate. Not because she didn't want another child, not because she couldn't ultimately manage raising this child, but because of the gut feeling (which was clearly proven accurate) that she could not trust Jeff and, as she put it, "did not want to be attached to him through this child".

So she did it. She refused to let him come along, though he did pick her up afterward. He was at the house for a day, replete with the same selfish anger - now at the fact that she aborted - and aloofness. The plan was for him to stay the week; she didn't want him there, and asked him to leave. He did.

In the aftermath: a lot of physical malaise (pain, bleeding, cramping) and tremendous emotional weight. She "couldn't go to church", she said, ostensibly out of her own shame for what she did.

I sat there. I listened to this fucking story. Thoughts and emotions zipped in and out of my mind:

- sadness for what I KNOW that she wants: another child, a true family, and the loss therein
- incredible ANGER at Jeff, who is now the biggest piece of shit I know
- intense sadness and longing, WISHING that *I* had been there for HER when this was going on last spring.

It was that latter feeling, as we held each other, that brought me to tears.

Jeff had one last moment to redeem himself from total shit-dom. October 10th was supposed to be the birthday of their child. It was a hugely important date for Chels. She happened to be in Bend the weekend before this day, and instead of a poignant time of reflection? More arguing and conflict between her and him.

I sat there, holding her. I was NOT going to let her go. Not that night, for sure.

It was like 8:45. "Let's go to bed".

So we did. I slept with her. We didn't have sex; but I slept beside her, holding her, kissing her, protecting her, in the way that she always deserved, but in the truest way, what she so badly needed nearly a year ago.

Never, ever again, will I let her go through something like that alone.