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January 5, 2014 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: -11, brutal

Comments:
What a weird day. Fuck.

Started the day with a long email to Chels. I had some bad feelings: about me dropping the ball with her, and about her Friday night hang-out, and I had to write her about it. That message spurred us into a rare AM convo.

We talked for nearly 90 minutes about how the Email Situation went down - me having poor judgment that it would be a good idea with my sis/mom (it turned out very good w/BGD), and my failure to support/defend her during the process. My failure to be assertive in communicating (with my sis and with Chels) left her feeling isolated/"hanging" in the situation. (Side note: my sister DID finally email her, and it was awkward/cold at best. Ugh. My sis is just incapable of getting over her professional doubts, mistrust. It blows.)

We came to an understanding on that issue, with me explaining how fucking hard it is going to be to balance my Mission with her (protecting/defending her heart) versus the feelings and needs of my family. Those are like, THE two biggest things in my life. 99% of the time, there should be no conflict and, with time, I will ultimately have to choose HER (as my primary "family") over mom, sis, etc, but right now? It's a delicate balance.

Part II of the convo was about boundaries and other people, namely us spending time with opposite sex folks. We discussed the notion of establishing boundaries *on behalf of others*: that even though "we don't want this" in our lives, that's not enough for most people: we need to sometimes draw the line to avoid inadvertently hurting others.

She began to talk about her Friday night: about this "old friend" who recently finalized a divorce, and how she had a "history" with him, and because of that history, wanted to be there to support him. At first, she didn't fill me in completely who this was. But she talked about how she redefined boundaries with him because SHE "doesn't want anything". I, again, reiterated that that's not enough. As this got a bit more contentious, she began to reveal more about this person, and as she did, I stopped her: "WAIT. Is this 'the old guy' from last fall, and over a year ago??"

It was.

Oh, Fuck.

I was angry, and crushed.

She explained how "complicated" the situation is, and how she didn't want to tell me because "it's over", so she neither fully divulged who, exactly, she was spending time with: beforehand or after the fact.

She was quite remorseful, but at the same time trying to rationalize why she didn't tell me, and even worse, why she thinks it's OK to maintain ANY sort of relationship with him.

I know about this guy: her relationship with him totally fucked hers with Jefe, and it's a huge threat to mine. Moreover, he (being this absurd, "Black Santa Claus"-like individual) represents the outrageous caricature of my deepest fear: that she's trying to fill some MAJOR wound/void with these rich, older men. And that she continues to spend any time with him - after she told me she would not - is a HUGE problem.

Fuck.

I told her that, and I told her that she, without a doubt, is going to need counseling to figure this out. Ironically, we talked about counseling for her in Part I of our convo, so she did not argue this point at all.

After that convo, I had to get out and run. I felt fever-free but still not great, and it's still cold as fuck here, but I went anyway. I was lazy and kept on my injinji socks. That was a mistake, because ten minutes into the run my feet hurt so bad I had to be done. I ran two-ish miles, max.

I tried not to freak out, but it was just...bad. Talked to BGD, which helped. My initial impulse was that:

- Things are fucked
- She never processed her old relationships, mostly because of Ernie. Double-fuck.
- We need to be apart. Triple-fuck.

She wrote me an email, apologizing and trying to explain things: that she wanted to bury this completely and never explain it to me. It helped, but the bigger issue is why she ever started something with him, and why - even today - she continues to cling to it. Big fucking matso ball.

I emailed her with two intents:

- to outline how fucked up that relationship is
- to outline what I need to move forward

My four terms were:

1.) Counseling
2.) Ernie is 100% cut-off
3.) She tells her dad.
4.) We are apart for a finite amount of time.

I should've thought about it more, but I hit send right away, then went to Max's house to hang out, and so I could have his counsel.

He listened to the story and offered some stories of his own (with his ex-wife).

While there, Chels wrote me back: she was really, really hurt, and took it HARD the notion that I would give up on her when dealing with this. She understood, but as she put it, "please don't say you're "there for me" when you are, in the same conversation, saying I need to do this on my own and we can't be together...Either say it and be prepared to stick with me when things are shitty and I'm making mistakes, or don't say it." Ugh. I relayed some of this to Max.

We sat there for a while, not saying much. Finally he said, "Those things you want from her, do you really need to be apart for them to happen?".

He was right. I didn't. It was about something else for me.

I texted her asking to talk. She was somewhat hesitant but I called anyway. I explained to her how *I* felt: that I entered a relationship with her contingent upon things being over with everyone, including Ernie. Me not having a direct conversation on how important HE was to that decision was a huge deficit. But either way, when she chose to spend time with him and not tell me, going back on that pledge, it was damaging and terribly threatening.

Because, deep down, I still fear losing her - EVERY DAY. So much of our time together - from July 2012 through 11/30/13 - was spent with ME trying to get her to love me, and me being rejected, or fearing rejection. That she did what she did felt like utter rejection, again. That freaked me out, and THAT is why my reaction was being apart: it was my power move.

But as I thought about it, and as we talked, what Max said was right: being apart was not the solution to THE issue, only my rejection issue.

And even then, was it really rejection? Yes, she was dishonest and she spent time with him. But this is driven not by general infidelity and shitty boundaries. This relationship with him represents something so big and scary that she clings to it, no matter how destructive and dangerous it is. THAT is the issue.

Moreover, me pushing her away may create even bigger problems for us, going forward, if she believes that that is how I deal with issues between us. If that's how I operate, how will she ever be able to trust me when she needs to be honest?

Lastly? Me pushing her away - the issue of *abandonment* - JUST MIGHT BE the central part of her wound, and the void (with her parents as a child) that she's trying to fill with these older men.

We talked briefly about that, and she thinks it's possible.

At the end of it all, we agreed that we're not going to be apart (dropping Point #4) - that we need to address this together - and that she will stick to Points 1-3 of what I feel we need to move forward.

It was good, but man, it was a long day. Four hours+ on the phone, but in the end, good stuff. And I'm relieved that we're finally exposing and addressing this BIG fear that I had forgotten about and hoped would go away. But it is the driver of so many of my insecurities. So that this blew up today...damn, it's a good thing.

We keep ascending level after level together. I'm not sure if it's bad, or if it's really great. I hope we're running out of big-time shit to deal with. But it is bolstering our communication, problem-solving, and ultimately our closeness as a Team.