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West PRE

February 17, 2014 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
Busy day: work day was much busier than anticipated (as such, NO strength at lunch). On top of that, I found out that I had to work at VIM tonight - my last shift - so that nixed my PT appointment this evening!

But the day started even more "off": Chels' "distance" was more palpable this morning.

Navigating this "week on and week off" deal has been a challenge. She's not yet ready for me to meet her kids, and that's OK. For now. But in some ways, that element is part of the bigger issue at hand. That said, we spend nearly every night together on the "off" weeks, then scarcely see each other on the "on" (with kids) weeks.

Besides being emotionally distant - this weird combination of "politeness" but quietude - a metric of her distance is also physicality. After Wednesday and Thursday's crazy sex-fest (which was fucking awesome), we had a rather "chill" Friday session (which, as a contrast, was also phenomenal).

But after that? Nothing. Now, that's certainly OK in the general sense, but considering our norms:

1.) that we're sexually intimate probably 5 out of 7 days/nights (averaging 6 to 7 sesions in a 7-day period)
2.) that we were going into a period where we would NOT see each other for over a week

...her being, essentially, uninterested in any physical intimacy from Saturday AM, up to and including Monday AM - our "last shot" - was a major red flag.

WTF?

So we got up this morning with little intimacy exchange (after none last night, or the night before), and had coffee. As I was about to leave, she made a comment, "See you next week!", which was obviously tinged with annoyance, yet, just as I was leaving, was taking my flowers away, because apparently they could not be presented out in the open when the kids arrived home for their President's Day off.

Something's fucking off.

I didn't push it at the time, but mid-morning I sent her a text, asking her what was going on, and that I'd like to talk about it tonight.

*****

After work, I managed to get home *by* 4:30, which allowed a short run. My quads were THRASHED today, L > R. Damn! Not sure why: the effort, the downhill (4.5K')? Either way, they were rocked. But I needed to do something, so I went for an easy run.

Remarkably, the run felt fantastic! I felt a lot of soreness in my shoulders (from better arm swing), and the quads were rocked, but my stride -- hip hinge, pawback hip extension, etc - felt terrific. Fatigue was not an issue, either.

After that, I hustled home and changed, then went to VIM for my last shift.

Got out early, then drove home and called Chels. We talked:

- She first commented that she feels like having me around for a full week "takes some getting used to" -- that she was at best half-time with Jefe and, since her marriage was a hollow shell, she's not used to a full-time relationship (my assessment). Serz.

But I don't think that's the issue. I think that's only an excuse for "needing space"

- She noted some "other feelings", but in classic fashion, was unable to enunciate what they were, and that "she needs a little time" to figure them out.

Ugh.

My thoughts:

- It's the running. When we talked early last week (Monday, after swimming), she said that she might respond to my running commitment by "pulling back".

And I think her simply watching "Unbreakable" scared her. She's making assumptions, extrapolating, and catastrophizing about me not being there (her wound) with training, racing, etc. And I think that combo: watching that, then having me be gone running on Sat and Sun, THEN hearing that I'm traveling to CA "to run" -- triggered that fear - and the distancing.

The irony is that she is pre-emptively creating her own distancing (her coping strategy) to my threat of distancing/"abandonment".

DOUBLE UGHZ.

It's so challenging. I love the shit out of her, but she's a fucking handful. How she's coped - and how others have LET HER cope - has been so dysfunctional. And now, the way she's coping -- by being emotionally distant and withdrawing/withholding - is touching *my wound*: rejection! For fuck's sake!

That's why I can't tolerate it. I can't have her experience these feelings, withhold them from me, and then act distant and withholding with me. It's unacceptable.

It's OK to freak-out, but she has to tell me, even if she doesn't know why (in the same way that when I had my pre-Thanksgiving freak-out, I told her).

Sooo...I guess I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Her #1 Wound is abandonment, and I think I triggered it this past week. And her snotty "See you next week" comment only reinforces her (self-imposed) frustration with not seeing me for a week.