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River loop w/Mike

March 8, 2014 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
Slept in a bit, the woke up and ate. But rather than work on my writing, I felt I needed to write Chels. After word-vomiting on her and BGD - AND reading a critical passage in "Getting the Love You Want" -- I realized that what she's been doing has been HER freaking out. Her not wanting me around ISN'T about her perception of my manhood: a big part of it is her WANTING me around, but secretly freaking out about FINALLY getting her needs met. There's a fundamental element where, when people FINALLY get what they want...they feel they don't deserve it and get scared. Her complaining about "our routine" - me calling her every night, me staying over and being there every day.....she's not used to that. Ever.

Ultimately, her behavior is not about me: 99% of it is about her: her fears, her needs, her perceptions. That she said I'm "not the man" might not even be remotely true - that may be a defense mechanism to push me away!!

So I wrote her, and I revised my needs:

1.) that she call me her boyfriend (that's the same. I NEED that, and she needs to get comfortable with that).
2.) that she redefine what she needs in a partner (besides hyper-masculine, financial, etc) and recognize what I can offer that's REAL.
3.) that she FIGHT for what she wants, including me.

After that, it was time for "track clean up" at South. Spent nearly 3hrs cleaning up the shed and other stuff. It was annoying. Jeff wasn't there.

Then I met Mike Taylor for a run. He was going long, so I ran with him, super-easy (9min pace, HR 11x). Felt OK, and perfectly fine.

That evening: more writing.

Touched base with Chels in the PM. She did email me back, but was "too overwhelmed". I texted simply saying, "I love you and miss you".

She's right: it is overwhelming, and I need to be patient.