View Workout (Joe Uhan)

Return to Log

K workout

March 10, 2014 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
Went into this week a little bummed about how track is going: just haven't quite found my place. Today's workout was repeat Ks at "tempo - 0:10". At first I asked Jeff what I could help with - he said I could help "Ceh-LEAN-ERRR" time, but later I thought, "I don't know MOST of these kids' NAMES, how can I time them??".

Plus...I'm not a "splits guy": that's just not how I coach. I hate it. I need to get my hands dirty.

So when we got to the bark K/mile loop, I simply asked if I could hop in the Ks instead. He was fine with it, so I rolled with the JV kids. It was great! I would run along, watch them run, then afterwards give them a tip or two. That allowed me to learn their names and interact...AND get some mileage in.

We did the first 3-4 on bark, then the last couple on the track. We even popped a 6:00 pace K!

Did some cooldown with the varsity guys (about the only time I can keep up!), then some light abs after.

About 7 mi total for the day. GOOD day. I felt useful, and enjoyed myself.

*****

Chels texted me around 2ish wanting to meet to talk. I knew this would not be good - as she texted BEFORE her counseling session (implying she'd "made up her mind" before even going).

I felt a strange sense of calm today. Like I KNEW that I had to let her go - to just BE OK with losing her.

In doing so, I FINALLY realized what I've been doing to her - this WHOLE TIME: that I've been judging, compromising, and trying to change her in order to prevent her from rejecting me. This was SUCH a dominant theme in the fall of '12: she chose Jefe (for what I felt were unhealthy reasons) and I spent that WHOLE fall trying to analyze her, and get her to recognize her flaws/flawed decision. So then...REALLY starting at Thanksgiving when I "freaked out" about her not owning her shit...I began this quest for her to "get her shit together". But it wasn't really about her self-improvement - or mine. It was about her making sure she didn't reject/abandon me again.

This flared three more times:

- when she had contact with Ernie in early Jan
- when she said I wasn't affectionate enough in early Feb
- when she had her mini-freak out around Valentine's Day (when I wasn't masculine enough...but really, when she felt overwhelmed and under-supported)
- when she began to drift again a week+ ago

But where did all that come from? From ME, refusing to fully accept HER. All those things, that was her way of dealing with my lack of acceptance of her. It WASN'T (necessarily) about my lack of manhood -- it was me not accepting her as a person *right now*.

So when we met - at my apt Monday night - there were no surprises: she feels overwhelmed by the "analysis" and having to "work too hard", and she wanted a break.

I got it, and I owned all of it. I tried to explain to her that my judgment and "changing" came from MY insecurities, but that didn't matter to her. She came in - ESPECIALLY after last weekend (Thursday's talk, Saturday's email from me) - under a state of threat.

She said a lot of things, about how she does not see us being together long-term, and how we're very different about how we deal with things. I didn't argue: what's driving ALL that is her feeling of threat and lack of support. She's scared and I caused that.

Ultimately, I told her that my biggest regret is that, truly, my Mission #1 for her was to *Give her PEACE*: to be a "Rock" and a person/place of stability for her. And how I utterly failed to recognize that, and completely blew it with her.

So...we're broken up. Officially, we're doing some sort of "taking a break". I'm not sure if that's passive-aggressive on her part (it seems she did the same thing with Jefe in August...which then took two months for her to cut the cord), or if she truly feels that reconciliation is possible.

Either way, I refuse to give up, and I told her that. That I'm going to BE HERE, for as long as it takes, because I love her like no one else and - just as important - I KNOW she LOVES ME.

We had a little random life chat for a few minutes, then I walked her to her car. We did kiss (for reals) a couple times, then she took off...