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Spfd + Dorris Ranch

March 13, 2014 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 65, mostly sunny

Comments:
Pretty OK day: busy! Had to haul ass to get to counseling on time, then I booked a hang-out with my old boss, Jeff. He's a pretty "unique" guy - almost has the personality of a little kid: super high-strung, crazy-smart, but socially awkward/offensive at times. I'd heard a couple stories through the vine recently about him blowing up on people/pissing off others...so I thought I'd touch base with him to see how he was doing...

The counseling session was...good. I told Scott the story, and how I felt that *I* screwed up: me setting off her insecurities and then letting her behavior set of MINE. And how I pushed all this self-improvement on her.

But he didn't see it that way. I told him about the issues:

1.) she being unwilling to call me her boyfriend
2.) she not believing I can be "the man"
3.) she not seeing a future with us

He said (especially with #1) that those are major red flags. But most of all? What *I* need the most? My wound that needs nurturing? Me needing a stable, consistent source of love and affirmation...she repeatedly has dropped the ball. Her emotional withdrawal - again and again - is the major killer.

He was as adamant of any impartial relationship counselor about this relationship - as it stands now - being doomed. And that's just DONE.

And after our session, and realize that yes, she FAILS, utterly, to fill my #1 need, that it IS done. She failed to give me her whole heart, and she failed to take care of mine. But on top of that, she failed to be willing to work on HER shit in order to help ME.

It's just sad.

After we got done (a little early, which helped), I immediately left for a run. The allergies were high so I felt sluggish and a little gut-rot, but the run was...OK. Thought a lot about this stuff (but not much HR elevation). And I thought about how the situation with her SEEING Ernie in early January was TRULY what set this off: WHY would I (or she) find it OK that she GO OUT (like, to multiple bars) with an ex-love interest and then NOT tell me about it? How does that NOT enormously stoke my insecurity? And then, in her counseling process, that is neither addressed, nor is she willing to take the steps to ameliorate my fears/needs?

It just sucks.

I told him, as I sat there at the end, that I feel like I was running a trail race, and I took a wrong turn. I FELT like I was in the lead, only to now find there are no ribbons or markers. And now...I have to turn back and, essentially, start over.

UGH.

Post-run: hustled home and met Jeff at Jackalope. Ate, played pool (I won on this super-lucky combo shot!) and darts (he won). Talked a bit. I didn't ask him about this "situations", but he noted that he's been having a really hard time with chronic foot pain and he's unable to run. I think that's where his weirdness is coming from. He doesn't have many (any?) male friends, so I'm happy to give back to him in that way.