View Workout (Joe Uhan)
OFF - writing
March 24, 2014 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
LONG day. A weird one. BUSY day - full schedule, so I didn't have time to get coffee...so I didn't! Worked all day without it, and it wasn't that bad.
Wasn't too sore, but I was tired. It was CRAZY-nice out, but...I decided to not run.
Thought a lot of Chels today. I have a really hard time believing that she truly didn't get my text on Saturday. I just can't. She's done SO many wacky, "unconscious"-ly stupid things (read: "The ass-grab picture", going out with Ernie) in response to feeling threatened that I simply do not believe her.
It's so over.
Prior to this, I had thought about going to yoga tonight to talk with her: to try to re-connect and re-establish some trust and safety, but that's now completely out the window.
So, once I got home, I got to work on crafting a letter to her. Last week, I'd gotten a card for her. The intent of that card was to commemorate when we "re-connected" a year ago at yoga - seeing each other for the first time in four months. And knowing now what she was going through, I wanted her to know how much I wished I'd been there.
In short, the card said, "I wish I could go back in time and meet you earlier, so I can love you longer".
At this point, this message is pretty powerful: because I feel like she's been wounded SO much, that I wish I could go back in time to know her and love her BEFORE all those wounds were struck, so that I could somehow shield her from them.
But now? Not only is that too late, but I simply feel that she's unable to love me - or embrace the healing that I'm trying to bring her.
So, I wrote her the letter. The message was the notion that she felt threatened and progressively withdrew from our relationship. Because of that fear, I no longer doubt that she loves me; instead, I feel like she is so threatened and frightened that she is incapable of expressing that love any more. That's really sad, but that makes me feel "OK" - that it's not about me and my inadequacy, but these series of events that put us in this position.
Yoga went from 6-645. I was hoping to drop off the letter (and her fucking bike pump) at her house while she was gone, but I didn't finish 'til 730. I went to work and printed it, then drove over there anyway, thinking I would drop it off whether she was there or not. Oddly enough, she wasn't there, so I left it on the porch.
Then I went home. It's done.
Didn't work out. I wish I'd spent some time foam-rolling and stretching, but...once again, Chelsea has **consumed** my energy and time.