View Workout (Joe Uhan)
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April 10, 2014 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Other
Comments:
Wanted to run, but had zero time. I had a counseling session right after work, and it was phenomenal:
ALL along my #1 goal for this work was to try to figure out the ties between my general anxiety and how it affects my race performance...and the rest of my life.
I came in, talking about the concept of "One-itis": or the notion that a single romantic interest is SOOO AWESOME and that they're The One for you, and no one is better.
This is very problematic, as I've found out, for two reasons:
1. It makes you act nuts, with tons of insecurity about losing that person
but more importantly, perhaps
2. You fail to see The Big Picture of who that person is.
And I certainly did both of those things with Chelsea: letting my insecurities drive a lot of crappy behavior (that only drove HER insecurities, and vice versa). But I also failed to see a TON of red flags with her:
- her CLINICAL issues with control (her house, her kids, her "routine", and her disordered eating)
- her inability to be present and give her heart, fully, to me
So we talked about this idea, and Scott - as he did three years ago - brought up the notion of "children of alcoholics" and how they are constantly trying to "fix things". We delved into what it was like for me back then: ages 6-8 when my parents were still together (buy dysfunctional), and ages 10+, after my dad died.
It's interesting: I have VIVID memories of trying to "fix things", even at that age: like telling my dad that he should "brush his teeth so mom won't smell the beer"!
He then did something interesting, which I rarely do: he asked me to think about, not ME, but how a typical SIX YEAR OLD could possibly deal with those things! That's when I realized how fucking absurd it was. Wow.
What he impressed upon me is that us kids of alcoholics/addicts try to "fill the hole" in their lives with a lot of things -- relationships, possessions, sex, etc -- as a means of trying to become whole again.
And...that's IT. That's what I've ALWAYS DONE with every woman in my life, ever: I get SUPER-worked up about them, and about how SO AWESOME they are, and one of two things happen:
1. My "approach anxiety" is SOO HIGH that I can't even talk to them, or
2. I blow it (as with Chels)
I then bring up an interesting analogy: Jerry Seinfeld. In the "Even Steven" episode, Jerry breaks up with a girlfriend, and he says, "That's OK...there'll be another one". And there always is for him: every 4-6 episodes, he has a new date. Some he gets attached to, some he doesn't.
That's the total opposite of how I deal with relationships: my hyper-attachment, either to the person or the CONCEPT of this "healing" relationship!
I don't think we exactly came up with a solution to this, but the simple recognition of this concept is SUPER-important: that there's a reason I go nuts about women...but also RACES! I think back to WS '13, and what I THOUGHT could happen (e.g. "being whole", "healing") that COULD happen if I "nailed it". And, of course, I blew it.
So that recognition is crucial to keep things grounded in reality: that relationships (and races, events, and other life events) can enhance life, but no "one thing" will make or break me. And with relationships, the recognition of my "Imago", and what my vulnerabilities are, will be key to keeping things in perspective.
GOOD DAY.
After that, I had to hustle around: get the rental car, get my haircut, pack up. Didn't hit the road 'til like 7:30.