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Dorris Ranch from psych appt

October 16, 2014 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 70s? Crazy-nice

Comments:
Ran right after my psych appt with Scott today.

The session:

Had a great session with Scott yesterday.

In addition to talking about some other stuff, I told him about some of my "sensitivities" with Kaci and how they mirror those with Chelsea. He's also aware of my issues with her over-racing/Koop, and how she's raced 4x in the last 5 weeks...and may be racing 2x in the next 3 weeks.

I then told him about MigZ, and I told him about how I began to tiptoe into "that discussion".

His response:

"Maybe it's not even necessary to talk about it"
"Why not?"
"Do you really want to be with someone who thinks that that sort of relationship is OK?"

And around we went. It boiled down to the notion of *having to change someone*, as opposed to that person, independently, doing the right thing. Because trying to change someone is, A.) usually ineffective and only creates conflict, and B.) creates a heavy burden (and as Scott put it, feels like walking around with "two Brunswicks under each arm").

Stunned, I sat there for a bit, then asked, "Well, if I don't broach the subject...how LONG do I wait to see if things change?"

His response: "I think you already know."

Sooo...FUCK.

But honestly? There's a lot of shit I'm carrying around:

- Her over-racing
- Her relationship with Miguel (that I'm convinced is so valuable because there is ZERO chance of rejection for her. She gets everything her way, and he'll never challenge her)
- Her selfishness and lack of reciprocity:
---- every time we've run it's been all about her: her workout, her route (and if not, then she throws a tantrum), her pace, with no accommodation for me
---- she never calls me, I always have to call her
---- when I asked her to please make her travel arrangements for JJ100 - at the end of July - because it would help me organize, she didn't
---- when I emailed her Monday with a list of every weekend from now 'til Bandera, asking her to think about when (and how) she'd like to see me again - emphasizing the notion that now it's MY turn to focus on a race, and that I've been on a plane/out of state 4x and will be another 2x in the next month.....she ignored it and did not respond.
- her disordered eating habits, which really worry me

It's been a big burden. And while I think she's a fantastic human being in a lot of ways, there's nowhere to put this stuff. And yes, she has fears and insecurities, but it's not fair that she gets to indulge them so frequently, and at my expense.

So...I think we're done. For now, at least. Ugh. I'm not sure what to do.

*****
For the second time, I pretty much the, "I guess we're done" run: ran from his office off MLK, into Alton Baker, then all the way into Dorris Ranch. Very much form-focused, and things felt great!

Weather was fantastic - just cherishing these warm, dry days!

*****
Met my old boss Jeff at Jackalope afterward (weird - this SAME pattern happened in April, too! Scott "It's Over" sesh, run, then hang with Jeff). Good to see him. He's weird, crazy, and a little annoying at times, but I miss him - as a boss, mentor and friend.