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Burn Down the World

March 27, 2015 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 25 Sunny

Comments:
Gorham to Maple Bluff and back to Gorham-

I've often over the years felt an immense anger at certain...developments...in the world. In the last year and a half, I've been doing better at controlling myself and focusing on the things I can change rather than bitterly lashing out about the things I can't. Today was a major relapse though I kept most of it to myself. I was irate and despairing for much of the run. For better or for worse, the bitter rant convinces no one of nothing and I have to do better and be better than that for my sake and the sake of everyone I come into contact with. As usual when deeply depressed, the problem is not that I don't know what my course of action needs to be but rather that I don't want that answer. Like Demethor, I want things to be as they have always been since the days of my youth. But in reality I must be prepared in the worst to be a hated outcast, a toxic piece of perceived human garbage no one should touch lest they become infected likewise as bigot the likes of whom are dying off so sniveling hipsters can urinate on their graves. But my pride gets in the way. I forget to easily that the religion I am supposedly trying to follow calls me to immitate a man who got nailed to a tree rather than a man who got elected president. I need to stop caring whether people like me or hate me. Deep down I know this, but I don't like it. It's hard. It's unpleasant. And furthermore, perhaps the most remarkable thing of all, I am challenged to take whatever comes my way without a grudge, precisely, not to burn down the world, but to love the people in it even when they aren't so lovable. Today, this run in particular was a relapse: I do not want to accept what I must do, yet I lack the power to make other men see truth and can only act accordingly.

This run was not pleasant. It was not a good rage run either, just a bitter despair, the senseless sort that only stews upon problems rather than taking whatever steps I can to solve them. This is what I need to stop doing.