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Bitterness Run/ End of Season Assesment

November 15, 2009 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 55 Cloudy

Comments:
South Overlook to Bellfield (alone), up North Park to Shelburne to Courtland to South Park back to Bellfield (with Robert, Mike Werniewski), back to South Overlook (alone) -

I pushed this run a little bit today, mostly out of anger and frustration. Sometimes in life there are no second chances. In absolute terms this season was a waste for me. I was overly cautious and did nothing to make myself better. In fact, the only race I can take any value from was Calvin, simply for running a PR. I have spent the entire season mentally fighting my Coaches and it’s time I stop fighting and listen to them. I’ve become a sissy when it comes to pushing myself to my unknown limits. After talking to Cromer yesterday, I think it’s not the pain that bothers me; it’s the fear of pain in the future. I’ve had my mentality all wrong for the last month or so and any sense of urgency was turned into a surrender. The one idea in my life that I never applied to my running is that when I am not doing my best and things are going wrong, it doesn't have to be that way.I have the ability to make choices. Sometimes, I’m just so used to saying no that I do idiotic things.

Both Coaches have told me how high their expectations for me are and I let them down. I have the talent and did nothing with it under pressure. I’ve become happy with my position as a crank-leader and member of the number-one-runner-by-committee subset and my complacency shows. I need to come out and make a statement in track. The nice thing about track is that I see my performances as less important than my improvement for the future. I need to cut away the albatross of expectations away from my neck and get back to making a statement. The thing is that I need to take everything that I did to heart this weekend and never forget how terrible it feels to destroy my team’s season goal.