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CHAMPIONSHIPS: it wasn't a great race, but i didn't care because i had fun

October 30, 2010 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 40s at first but then warmed up to 60

Comments:
when i woke-up this morning, i wasn't actually that nervous. i got gilman's email (getting the team pumped...) kinda late, but happened to see it this morning, and it was so inspirational! and then i remembered how i was going to have fun today...and then i was kinda excited...i had butterflies in my stomach as usual, but these weren't out of nervous fear, but out of excitement! when i got to school, i actually smiled!
when i got to landon, it was awesome to see alumni and other gdsers supporting us. by that time i really was excited and cheerful, and the vibe was just radiating from the team! we were probably the first team to arrive, and definitely the first team to start warming up. it was so cold, but i didn't care because it was just so exciting and the team felt so unified.
we cheered on the jv girls, then the boys, i took a 15min nap, and then it was time to start warming up for my race. i reminded myself again about how i was going to enjoy this. it was so relieving to not feel stressed like i usually do!
i got to the start line and i wasnt freaking out! i went out very conservatively, and found my teammates rather quickly. i just tagged along with spergs, and we picked people up as we went...until it was four of us in a tight little pack, picking other teams off and "eating their souls" ;) i let them be ahead of me and just let them pull me along. i didn't care which teammates were ahead of me, and i didn't care who was behind me. i just enjoyed the moment. the leaves were just falling, the sky was blue, the weather had just warmed up and was perfect, and all those tall trees made things so peaceful. i didnt care what happened, just that i was helping my team in the varsity race. my three teammates started pulling ahead of me and finally i let them. while it was good that i didnt let it discourage me, maybe i should have had more drive to stick with them. and then i had marisa with me (behind me and then ahead of me - never really side by side), but when she passed me she gave me a fist bump. and thats what made me feel part of the team. i didnt need words, i just knew i had her supporting me. it was nice to have matt and adam cheering us on. i remembered to use the downhills. i pretty much stayed in the same place from then on, pulling ahead and then them pulling ahead of me...but i never let them "eat my soul" as anthony says. i was just enjoying it.
when i came out of the trees, a branch out-of-the-blue whacked me in the face...and emma was standing right there and saw...kinda embarrassing...but hilarious at the same time...i couldn't help laughing
it was nice passing people sometimes, and it didn't bother me when others passed me.
i never had to ask myself "why the f*** am i doing this?" or "why can't i just pretend to trip and injure myself at this turn?"
the rest of the race i just sorta enjoyed the support of the team cheering. i slowly passed a few people. i was still in relatively the same place, with the same people passing me and falling behind me. when i got on the track i sped ahead of the the one bunch, but never got to the ncs girl. i sprinted a good strong finish - nothing special, but respectable.
i crossed the line and i was just so excited to hug my teammates. i was happy!
we left the track and went back towards the tree anthony had picked to put our stuff. pictures were taken...and then all these emotions overwhelmed me...i teared up a bit - out of frustration, but also out of happiness - and that's what i let fill me up. i pushed the frustration back and let the happy bring a smile back to my face before anyone noticed. it was a bit hard to keep a straight face when anthony came over, who was getting a bit emotional. but i kept going back to the happy, forgetting about the rest. i cooled down with the team, and really enjoyed being with them and then cheering on the boys.
cheering on the boys was so exciting! samet leading the pack...boardman and gryffin's ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS finish...all our boys pulling eachother along and being such a team! and then i ran over to the scoreboard to watch the outcome...and then we won! and everyone went crazy because we, yes us gds, won the mac championships!
then i thought about myself/my race, just for a second...i broke down during the award ceremony - out of anger and disappointment...and that was definitely embarrassing. i just couldnt hold it back any longer. i finally put myself together so i could enjoy that the boys WON THE BANNER!!!!! and then i pushed all those negative thoughts back again, and put my smile back on.
i finally got to enjoy a race. finally. i know i will have to deal with those terribly negative feelings eventually, but today i just needed to be part of the team, have fun, and join in on the excitement! it took every ounce of strength in me to not fall apart at times, but it was worth it. i had to keep the good things in the front of my mind.
to sum things up, i don't care that i probably didn't run such a great race (even tho its the end of the season and i havent had a fantastic race), i don't care about my time (i have absolutely no idea what my time even was), i don't care who beat me - all that matters at the end of the day is that overall, i did have fun.