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Glover

November 1, 2010 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 50s...brrr

Comments:
i think saturday was about the hardest thing i've ever had to do - run for my team in varsity and stay strong the whole day. mentally, i'm still recovering. that with my anxiety about what my quarter grades will be, made me feel the need to just run. run out the stress like i always do. and thats what it was today - just running out the stress - for the first couple intersections of the run. it felt good to just let the gravity take me down those hills. but it got to a point that i was no longer realy enjoying it, or feeling anything at all, really. i was just kinda there. and i couldn't stop. (i know anthony didn't want anyone running that long..)
i don't know why i actually had to run so much today - i only needed to run to the first intersection to relieve the stress. in fact, i don't think i remember why i ever started running in the first place, 2 years ago. or maybe its just to painful to remember. all i know is, whatever running means to me now, i can't stop.
its great n' all that i had a fun race on saturday, but all that stuff i was covering up in order for me to have fun is now taking its toll. and i don't know how to deal with it all - all that stuff in my head. i think i just want it to go away. that run today - well it really didn't resolve anything like it usually does. it didn't make me think clearly - i couldn't think at all. i just couldn't face reality because its just plain too painful. today's run, well, i think it just buried all the painful thoughts even further - so it will be even harder to dig them out and deal with it all.
i'm happy and excited for the team...but i know that its now time to deal with myself. but i don't think i can. at least not by myself.
i can't let myself get wrapped up in this and spiral down like last year. but i also know that in order to do that, i need to deal with it so i can move on.for now, i don't know what else to do but hide all the pain.