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Disillusionment

March 23, 2011 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: Inside Veale

Comments:
WU: 2 miles
5k Time Trial 16:40
CD: Veale up North Park to North Woodland and back

I went out in 5:09, shooting for 16:15 pace which I figured would have been a good enough starting point to eventually run something meaningful this season but slowly fell off. I never really gave up persay and never had a moment where I broke but clearly this was NOT an acceptable performance. Dave Carter helped me by pacing a few 400s and without his help it would have almost certainly been even worse. Coach told me that my legs looked heavy, I wasn't driving my knees, and I didn't respond to anything she told me during the time trial.

First of all, this is a major disillusionment for me because I have been in some ridiculous positive thinking charade for the last few weeks where I lie to myself and pretend that I might be in decent shape. I've held on to some hope that I can make a comeback, yet I have done nothing above and beyond going through the motions, as normal, to make that happen. Coach told me she expects it to take at least 3 weeks for me to see any real improvement and to look at trying to run unattached somewhere like Baldwin-Wallace.

The problem is twofold, first that I am in truly awful shape to have run a 16:40. That is simply not a competitive time on the collegiate level, plain and simple. Perhaps if I was younger and improving or something along those lines it would be acceptable but in my postion it shows I am washed up and a complete lame duck. There is no time to actually get in shape. There just isn't. Maybe there would have been if I didn't lose a week from the bottom-of-the-foot issues. To be honest, I've completely wasted the last three weeks. The second part is that even if I were in shape I wouldn't make any traveling squad to anywhere after what I ran today.

I am considering quitting after today because I'm not sure there is any realistic chance of running for the team again. But I know I will badly hate that option. I am going to continue to do workouts and try, simply because I promised I would never give up no matter what, but more because I deserve the misery of finishing out the year as a failure than because I have any chance whatsoever of doing something meaningful again. I really don't deserve to be happy with myself. I could rattle off a half-dozen, maybe more, excuses but they would be just that--excuses. I guess I will continue because I don't know what else to do, but I have to accept the fact that I am disgustingly out of shape and stop denying it. Lying to myself won't change anything and today ought to have taught me that positive thinking only gets you so far and at the end of the day I cannot think away the truth that I currently suck at running. The reality, whether I chose to admit it or not, is that today was quite possibly the final blow to my fragile carreer as a runner. I may never run another race.