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Golden Eagle Track Classic: anger

April 30, 2011 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: hot and sunny

Comments:
anger. that's the only way i can think of to sum up todays events.
i was angry at so many people, and couldn't even tell anyone. it wasn't fair to put that on a teammate on a race day. and maybe i shouldn't have been so mad - maybe i was just being irrational. letting that amount of stress build up like i did - well that can certainly make a person irrational.
and worst of all, i was mad at myself.
mad that i had to be a team player (obviously that was irrational)
mad that for some reason i thought it was ok to let this amount of stress build up, that i thought it was ok to not write a log entry for an entire week - no matter how overwhelmed i was, how could i not realize it would backfire?
and i was mad that i acted and ran like a novice runner. i didn't show anything i've been taught - not a single thing, besides getting out strong i suppose. my form i guess u could say was fine, but to me it wasn't, at least not in my 800. i wasn't even thinking. i didn't even feel myself change gears: from straight-away into turn, from running off the initial nerves into cruising, even from the back stretch into a finishing sprint.
i was mad at myself for not being there today - mentally i mean.
i was mad that i let people get to my head.
i was mad that i gave up in my 800. for some reason people thought i ran well, and that i actually did well under the competition. but i don't see it that way. i see it as there's 2 gears of giving up: 1 - completely and totally giving up, and 2 - giving up hope and just sticking it in thru the finish line till ur finally done. well i didn't just completely and totally give up. no - i was #2. and i was mad at myself for not even trying to beat any of those girls. only barely trying to sprint it in. form - thats something i can work on. giving up - that's a completely different story. no one can teach perseverance, giving it 100%...
i was mad that i didn't try my best today, and that's the worst way to feel about a race.

yeah, i ran a second faster in the 800 than last meet - but it wasn't the time that got me down. i mean, yeah, it got me down - hearing everyone else's times n all... but i was frustrated before that. my time coulda been a 2:40, and i still woulda been mad at myself.

somehow, i managed to get back out there for my 4x400. i found a quiet place to attempt clearing my head, but really i just got even more mad - but at least my anger got more focused, and maybe it became a competitive anger. whichever, i finally forced my feet to take me back to the team, because i wasn't going to let my feet take my back home. i managed to get myself collected, because i wasn't gunna let anthony down by dropping out of the race - now that woulda been giving up #1.

after my 4x400 was when i felt my first sense of pride for the day. it was a simple pride: just that i was proud to be a part of the team...it was when i saw the boys 4x400. they really showed up to compete, and compete as a team. even though they didn't win, they had that perseverance that gave me goose-bumps. i was so inspired to see timmy (the last person i expected to see running like that). and then the last leg - i mean wow, they wanted it. they had drive. exactly what i didn't have today. i remember when i used to have that every single meet - i was mad at myself for that.