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Pre Trails + SPFD + Fairmount+Campus

January 29, 2014 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 39F, no rain

Comments:
Pretty good day - had two opening at work today; I swear that's the perfect amount - 1-2 "breaks" in addition to lunch. Going through 9 patients in a row is pretty rough. Did a TON of coxxyx mobs today, which was both fun and challenging (to my finger strength!). But the changes you get are astonishing.

The plan today was to go up to PDX to visit Chels. She's there Tue-Fri for a kids yoga education/seminar at the Nike HQ. So I thought it'd be a cool thing to pop up there and see her mid-week, otherwise I wouldn't see her 'til this weekend. And barely at that, as she has loads of plans/a party to go to that's "girlZ only", so I'd hardly see her all week.

Near the end of the day, our original plan - to meet at 7 after her yoga class, and once I got up there, was bumped back by her to "7:30 or 7:45" because she wanted to also see "Chelsea 2". OK, fine. But then about a half hour later, she stated it would actually be 8.

Ugh.

At first I was a bit annoyed that it was 7. I could technically get there before 6:30, but she wanted to do this special yoga class. Fine, but when I got bumped back twice, I got legit annoyed. I felt like she wasn't prioritizing spending time with me, or maximizing our time together.

So I called her at 5:00 - right when I was supposed to leave - to talk about it. I talked about plans changing and how she deviated from the original plan. She noted that she "had these plans", which she did, but acknowledged that her intel about when the class ended wasn't accurate 'til tonight. We talked about weekend plans, only to find out that my stuff might interfere with time together. Double ughs! So finally, we decided: 1.) I'm not going to come up tonight, and 2.) I'll shift some stuff around so we WILL spend time on Saturday together. OK.

After that was settled, and now that I was staying home and free to do stuff, I went for a legit run: a 9-mile classic route, minus the Pre's Rock climb. Felt...OK. But generally STIFF from not running for 2.5 weeks, then ice skating, yoga, and lifting weights in the past two days. It felt good to get back out there, but that inital return is always tough.

After the run I lounged around a bit, did laundry, then grocery shopped. Came home at nine-ish and called Chels. We chatted a bit, which smoothed some barely perceptible tension about me not coming, which was good. Then, she wanted to know "the story" that I'd promised to tell her.

How this story resulted in a serious discussion and 2.5 phone call is as follows:

After seeing that post this AM by "Jordy", I teased Chels by saying that a "semi-closeted lesbian is responsible for us being together". Meaning: my interest in Jordyn in May was a big factor in my decision to stay in Eugene. It truly was, as I very nearly left this place.

So, I tell her the story:

- of the Eugene Marathon post-party at Ninkasi, where I talked to loads of running community folk and former patients, and how I realized I'd miss them and what I developed
- of seeing and having a nice talk with Jordyn at the party, and my desire to date her

Here's where it gets bad. I told Chels - with ZERO thought on my part:

- of taking Jordyn to her studio for yoga, then going to B2 Wine Bar after, as part of our date.

Uh.
Oh.

Chels immediately gets upset (albeit calmly) about this: me taking a date (or potential one) to *her studio* after "the special moments we [Chels and I] had together there", and on top of that, for going to B2 afterward, which is where Chels and I had our first date.

At first, I was thorougly confused. "Huh?" Then confusion turned to frustration in my head: "Wait, why do YOU get to be mad, you and I never were in a relationship, why was this bad?"

I finished my story (about her being a pretty spot-on lesbian and rejecting me), but it was inconsequential. A horde of cats were out of the bag.

She continued to assert that me bringing another woman to *her studio* was super-insensitive and disrespected her, and our shared memories there. I thought she was wholly over-reacting, because A.) it wasn't really a date, and B.) to me, in 5-2013, there *was* nothing sacred for me about that place. And C.) there was zero malicious intent: I didn't bring Jordyn there to show-off, and in fact, I picked a day where I knew Chels wouldn't be there. None of those things were valid for Chelsea.

And round and round we went: she's upset, I don't get it. But the more we did so, the more upset *I* got. At first it was in my head, but then as things escalated, I spit it out: "What right do YOU have in being upset? Things were no longer sacred there when *you rejected me twice* in the fall, then AGAIN, for the third time, when you rejected me by refusing to talk to me in April!"
There's the wound.

We proceeded to talk a ton about that stuff, and come to many realizations:

- of how she could "so easily" (in my previous mind) reject me - refusing to talk to me purely as friends, a single time......and how, in my mind, that completely invalidated her claim that that space - and our shared experiences there - were sacred.
- the TRUE circumstances of why she had to reject me, and what a HUGE issue I was, CONSTANTLY, between her and Jeff, all the while I was completely absent from her life, in a present sense.
- of what the studio - and our time together - meant for her, and continued to mean to her, during that time
- of how, after the third rejection in April, I basically blocked off any feelings of that place and her
- of how, essentially, I tried to "erase her" by doing that faux date with Jordyn there

It was a fucking HUGE eye-opener and development in our relationship, because it forced ME to acknowledge that that spring rejection was and is still a huge wound for me, and that, until this moment, we'd scarcely ever talked about it. Moreover, we talked about how - ultimately - that decision to take Jordyn there was my way of dealing with that wound, and that it flat-out was a poor decision.

Chels elaborated a lot more on what was going on on her end at that time: she said that *I* came up and was a serious topic of discussion between her and Jeff, MONTHLY, from December until they broke up in late August/Early September!! Monthly! I was incredulous! "Why? I was GONE?" But, in fact, I wasn't: Jeff still feared me (and didn't trust Chels that I was actually gone), and Chels still thought - and spoke - about me substantially, and way more than Jeff was comfortable with.

But we also talked about her wounds: we talked about how Ernie factored into Jeff's enormous mis-trust, and how it wasn't me, but Ernie (and Chelsea) that blew it. He was the "friend still around", the former love interest that Chels thought was OK to maintain "friendly" contact with. I let her know how fearful I am of that pattern repeating; and the fact that she was starting counseling with 2 weeks of that blow-up signifies how important fixing that is to Chelsea, as well.

We went back to the Ernie hang-out a few weeks ago: I challenged her, by asking, "Do you think how I handled the email situation with my sister - and the feeling of abandonment you experienced - had any effect on your decision to see Ernie and not tell me about it?". It's my fear that her abandonment wound (or whatever it is - I truly don't know yet, and neither does she), is sensitive enough that merely not handling that rather inoccuous decision with my sister thrust her to see a former love interest.

She said, "I thought about that, and no" - that she met him out of respect for him and wanting to support him as a friend, while not knowing my enormous sensitivity to him (MY wound, potential rejection). But she did acknowledge that how she handled that situation, and that Ernie, himself, and that crazy-dysfunctional relationship represents a wound that she wanted to shield from me, and that's why she didn't tell me about that encounter.

I think I believe that, but we'll see what she finds out with more counseling, and reading "Getting the Love You Want".

But, after 2+ hours, we came to the following conclusions:

- I said, "What I did was insensitive and wrong, but was driven by my wound and how I handled it", and I apologized
- She acknowledged, once again, that Ernie - and how he's been handled - then and now - is a wound, but neither one of us know why; only that it must be healed
- I pointed out that I feel "love" ends due to, and most fights and disagreements come from 1.) overblown, irrational feelings projected onto a partner, created by old wounds, 2.) the partner inadvertantly touching - or stomping on - another's old wounds. And therefore, the only way to avoid that and truly maintain a loving, nurturing, positive relationship is to actively learn about each other's issues.
- Lastly, that if we can do that - own our shit, learn about each other's wounds, and help each other heal them - that that element - the NURTURING of wounds - can be a tremendous source of love and passion, deep into the future.

So, it ended well. But WOW...did NOT expect that to happen. Fuckin' Jordy! Might've saved our relationship for a second time!!