View Workout (Joe Uhan)
...nothing
March 14, 2014 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Other
Weather: 65, nice
Comments:
Pretty...good day at work. Had a couple glorious cancels, which allowed me to get some paperwork done.
We're hosting a weekend course with a cool osteopath, and that started right at 2. Well, I had practice/track set-up so I sat for about 1.5hr of lecture, then went home to get ready.
The idea was to try to get out to Hardesty tonight after practice. I NEED to get some vert - to "quad season" - so I thought if I could get out by 5 I could get up and down before sundown.
Unfortunately when I got to practice there was a "five minute meeting" that went 20, then I had to help set-up the track for the meet tomorrow...and that took 'til nearly 6! Ugh.
When I got done...*I* was done. Just tired. Wiped out. Might've been some allergies, but I just felt defeated. So I just went home.
Ate dinner, then...had some quality "depression time". It's finally sinking in that it's fucking over with Chelsea. I began going back to read several of the "historic documents": my initial letter to Chels in mid-November, my rlog "journal" entries...and the email she sent BGD/Brandie.
It...is just fucking ridiculous. It's so sadly ironic that she would title her email to you guys "acknowledgment and intention". WHERE is the acknowledgment of HER love for ME? Of her commitment? WHERE is her INTENTION that we both talked about to make this work? To put the work in?
So now she refuses to call me her BF, and she thinks our relationship - THE most important male/romantic relationship in her LIFE (per her) is "too much work"??
For fuck's sake.
It's just so sad...all the work we put in, all those SPECIAL moments that we had...I just wonder what happened to all that strength.
It was really rough. I was buoyed by a couple things on Friday night, though: Connor texted me out of the blue just to say hi, which was great, and my friend Dallas did the same. I wound up calling Dallas (who's from WI, who I coached at UWL, who lives in Denver but travels a lot for work). He was in Monterrey and was asking about Crater Lake. So I called him and found out that he and his GF (who I coached when she was in HS in River Falls!) might be moving to Oregon, as close as 30mi away. Crazy. It was good to talk to him.
***
I'm not exactly sure what to do with Chels. Next Monday is (essentially) the anniversary where I went to yoga and saw her after 4 months apart. That was a really pivotal interaction. That was also a super-difficult time in her life, as she had just recently terminated her pregnancy with Jefe.
I was planning on giving her a card, to talk about that day, and how important it was for us, and how I *wish* I had known what she was going through, and that I wish I could've been there for her.
But now...what do I say? That we're 100% done? That, as I wrote in November, that we CANNOT be friends? I do feel that way...but just how strongly do I slam that door?
Lastly, I go back to what I wrote in my November letter to her, about how, after what happened in 2012, I said:
-Never again would I be false with my word: to another, or to myself, about what I wanted.
-Never again would I sit back watch someone else take what I wanted.
-Never again would I give all my heart to someone, only to get a selfish half-friend in return.
-Never again would I put myself in a position to be hurt that way.
I've been true to #1 and 2. But it seems like #3 has happened, again. But I will not let #4 happen...AGAIN.