View Workout (Joe Uhan)

Return to Log

Tommy's Hunt

October 21, 2014 (Night)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: "fake cold" - low 60s, but cool humidity

Comments:
Tommy led tonight on a SOLID route: a sketchy rush-hour crossing of 30th, then through the golf course, then on the doubletrack NW of 30th, looping around what seems to be a lot of unknown singletrack in that tract of land. We looped around by Moon Mtn and that road, then crossed 30th and ran down by LCC, and on *those* doulbetracks, which ultimately pop out on the posh Spring Blvd.

I didn't make a grand announcement about breaking up with Kaci, but I told people little by little, choosing to have mini-convos as it went. I saw Emily as a patient in the clinic last night (right before I called Kaci), and I alluded to her that we were going to talk and, "It was going to be bad", so I think she had a clue.

As it turned out, I told Cliff first. And while he was trying to be supportive, he *immediately* jumped into (as he accurately called it) "Devil's Advocate" mode: challenging me that "maybe you should let Kaci get it out of her system", that I was trying to control her, and otherwise trying to soothe me by telling me how Melissa gives him a "Free Pass" to hook up with other women when he's out of town. I tried to explain to him - as he knows next to nothing about any of this - about who Miguel is, what he's like, and what she's like, and it was fucking useless.

Finally I had to interrupt him and say, "Look, Cliff, this is literally so fucking fresh that I can't handle you being critical of me, so you can either LISTEN, or you just need to stop talking." It's as close as I'd gotten to legitimately emotional about it. He got it, and apologized, but, still... I used to be this way (jump to opinions and challenge immediately with next-to-no insight), but BGD has taught me that, goddamn it, sometimes you just have to LISTEN.

Cliff and I were in back of a train of ten folks on the run:

OGs: me, Lewis, Dan-O (trunk leaning like crazy), Tommy, and Cliff
Young gunZ: MrR, Emily, Dr Paul, Hammer
New Blood: Matthew

I could tell Emily, who was next in front of us, was lingering back a bit, trying to listen in, so when Cliff and I were done, I ran with her (she's doing MAF training and fell back a bit) and filled her in. She was much more supportive.

By then we were in the pitch dark, running up and down some muddy dirt roads before one long down and lonnnng up to Spring Blvd. The rest of the group had pulled away and I ran, alone, about 50m ahead of Emily.

By the time we'd hit Spring, the group looped back and gobbled up everyone and we finished up down Agate to Lewis'. I told Lewis about it and we commiserated for a bit, just before finshing.

Solid route: about 65 minutes (and 6.5 miles or so). I felt pretty damn good, so that was nice. HR felt low and things felt pretty good.

Post-run: lots of yard waste, chips, cheese, and banter. Tommy had a nice conservative rant about "people in Oakridge on Oregon Trail (foodstamps) cards" that seriously busted me up.

Heard nothing from Kaci all day. No surprise. I did go onto Strava to substantiate some of my issues.

She's run 4,274 miles this year (in 9.5 months)!!! The average mileage:

Daily: 14.5 miles
Weekly: 101.3 miles

AVERAGE. AVERAGE!!! Strava sure is a gold mine of data. She's had three - THREE! - weeks UNDER 80 miles (one around Thanksgiving...but I can't believe she took 4 days off...she may not have logged them; one after RR100, where she ran "only 64" - RIGHT after RR100; and 48 miles after WS). After each 100M, she allowed a "half rest week", then was back to 90+ miles!

Sorry. Not sustainable.

I'm beginning to reflect on WHY this bothers me so much. Or why it bothers me that Tim does the same. Maybe it's jealousy because, frankly, I cannot run that much? I know for a fact it has to due with being overtrained and injured: in high school, in college, and episodically post-collegiate (most recently in 2013).

But what I think it boils down to is rigidity. I'm afraid of it. I think that touches wounds of childhood - of my MOM being hyper-critical, and over-the-top on a lot of things - and I can't handle that degree of inflexibility: the idea that a person can't NOT run (or can't NOT do anything).

For that matter, it might have to do with my DAD: I remember all the times when I would spend time with him - namely the times when we'd be up in far Northern Minnesota, at our cabin or one of his friends'. We'd have a great day, doing shit like four-wheeling, or working in the woods, around the cabin, and I would hope - just WISH - that he wouldn't drink. Because I LOVED spending time with him when he was *himself*. But when he drank, he was...not himself. And I remember constantly thinking, "Maybe this time he won't *have to* drink."...

I'm not sure if that's it, but it freaks me out when people *have to* do anything. I don't have anything against excess or extreme, but balance - the ability to TURN IT OFF - is so important, that when they cannot - whether it be habits, behaviors, activities (work, exercise) - just LET IT GO every once in a while...it scares me.

To *control* THAT MUCH is, really, to have NO CONTROL: it means that you cannot function in a world where you don't have whatever *that thing* is. And there should never be ONE (or even a set few) things that you MUST do every day - without exception - to be whole.

That, ultimately, is why her running - the frequency, volume, and intensity - bothers me so much. It's ironic, since so much of my life revolves around it, but it represents a tragic substitution for a part of her soul that needs fulfilling from somewhere else.

AND, therefore, you could say the same thing about Miguel: yes, he's a nice guy, but god fucking damnit, that is not a healthy, appropriate relationship!

- 28 year old single women do not run (or, lets be honest, spend nearly ALL of one's outside work social time) with 42 year old "married" men.
- Corollary: 28 year old single women do not go on out-of-town, overnight trips in the same hotel room (six times per year, for a total of 21 NIGHTS) with "married" 42 year old men.
- 42 year old men who run 9+ hours for 50 miles should not be doing ALL their training with anyone who runs them in 7 hours.
- A healthy friendship is NOT one where ONE person gets EVERYTHING THEIR WAY, ALL THE TIME.

That said, there's a difference between having "unconventional relationships" and...well, having a fucking problem.

I know this all too well. Ten years ago? I had it in my head that *the best* people to hang out with were runners between the ages of 14 and...I dunno, like 22? I remember feeling that, and being repulsed by people my own age because, well...I don't know why, but I think I felt like I'd "missed out" on whatever they were living, and I had to live that with them. I'd repressed my own childhood - from alcoholism, divorce, and death trama - so that, essentially, it didn't exist. Even in college, I didn't "fuck around", and when it was time to be an adult...I wasn't ready!

And, I had to live out that period - and to really fuck up and bottom out - to figure out that, "Damn...that's not what I should be doing. It's not right". I really do think I HAD to get it out of my system, or get it IN, as if I had some sort of long-running deficiency that, for better or worse, had to be fulfilled.

Maybe that's what she's doing? She's never had a dad, and to be honest, I'm not sure even her grandparents were a consistent source of *unconditional love*. So now? She stumbles upon this GUY who just happens to give her that exact thing? Damn right, she's going to cling to it, and I can pry it from her cold, dead fingers!

Some day she'll get it out of her system, but who knows how many more people she'll hurt in the process. But there's no doubt that Miguel is going to get one of the shorter sticks. But let's face it: he's doing the same thing, himself. He found his void-filler, but, like me, he's going to find out that it is an utter dead-end...sooner or later.

So that's where we're at. I guess I wish I'd seen it coming sooner. I think I did (perhaps as early as June, if not May), but I couldn't have predicted it'd be this ingrained, and THIS (this outrageously defiant, Chelsea-like denial-laden) combatively defensive.